No, I don’t care. Show me pictures of coffins, show me bodies floating in water, play violins and show me skinny people looking sad.
I still don’t care.
Because in the next minute you’ll show me pictures of aggressive young men at Calais, spreading like norovirus on a cruise ship.
Watching them try to clamber on to British lorries and steal their way into the UK, do I feel pity? Only for the British drivers, who get hit with a fine every time one of this plague of feral humans ends up in their truck.
Understand this, these two populations are the same. The migrants harassing Brit truckers at the port are the same as the vagrants making the perilous trip across the Med.
And there is no stopping them. 170,000 came last year.
During a recent operation by the Italian coastguard to rescue migrants off the coast of Libya, the people traffickers threatened crew with Kalashnikovs to get their vessel back.
Clearly, boats are in short supply. And that is a good thing. No boats, no migrants.
There is a simple solution to this. It’s time for the Italians to stop singing opera, drinking espresso and looking chic in chuffing everything.
It’s time to get Australian.
Australians are like British people but with balls of steel, can-do brains, tiny hearts and whacking great gunships.
Their approach to migrant boats is the sort of approach we need in the Med.
They threaten them with violence until they bugger off, throwing cans of Castlemaine in an Aussie version of sharia stoning.
And their approach is working. Migrant boats have halved in number since Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott got tough.
We don’t need another rescue project. The now defunct £7million-a-month Mare Nostrum — Italy’s navy search and rescue operation — was paid for (in part) by British taxpayers.
And we don’t need a campaign from Save the Children to encourage more migrants to take the journey.
What we need are gunships sending these boats back to their own country.
You want to make a better life for yourself? Then you had better get creative in Northern Africa.
Britain is not El Dorado. We are not Elysium. Some of our towns are festering sores, plagued by swarms of migrants and asylum seekers, shelling out benefits like Monopoly money.
Make no mistake, these migrants are like cockroaches. They might look a bit ‘Bob Geldof’s Ethiopia circa 1984’, but they are built to survive a nuclear bomb. They are survivors.
Once gunships have driven them back to their shores, boats need to be confiscated and burned on a huge bonfire.
Drilling a few holes in the bottom of anything suspiciously resembling a boat would be a good idea, too, just for belt and braces.
Unless we take the emotion out of this and start connecting the migrants in the Med with the Africans clinging to trucks in Calais, we cannot deliver an appropriate response.
If you think rescue boats are a good idea, you may as well set up a Libya to Italy P&O ferry service and send your taxes to Africa by direct debit for good measure.
Or if you think like me, then it’s time to get Australian. Bring on the gunships, force migrants back to their shores and burn the boats.
As it turns out, I do care. I care passionately about British truckers and taxpayers in the UK.